I have been in a deep water.
Far into the blue seas.
I felt like I was drowing.
I was on the verge between the light and endless darkness.
One day I woke up from the deep nightmare.
I realized my stength.
I noticed who I was.
I looked at the stars.
I smelled the air.
No dark ocean.
It was the best thing I knew I of.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I Just Love The Way You Lie, NOT!
I can't believe the things I read or why I even bother keep in contact with my family. I would rather just be dead to them. I am a horrible person. I disobey and I like to argue. I guess I am not allow to have feelings either. Your not neutral bitch! You just like believing whatever the hell my dad says and you know you get money from it. How does it feel to rob my mother of her money? Knowing good and well that we live with her. Gosh stupid idiots in the world. I am just so angry right now with the world and my home life. I was so happy today and my pathetic step mom ruined it all.
They can kiss my butt, I am not going back to live with my dad. They ruined it. I won't visit him or talk to him. My father yea my deserve an apology. No one bothers to think that I actually have feelings and that no one bother to acknowlegde them. I didn't ahve to freaking tell them I was in pain. They could have seen it in my drawings, on my arms, and poetry! I am about done with everything. I wish my old life would just burn and disappear into a black hole. I wish it were a peice of paper. Easily ripable.
Thinking about him makes me want to punch a wall or just I don't know. I can't help but thinking about those to leirs and the path they are on. First I was rude to her because I was sick and tired of her being rude to me. I was always trying to help her and her stupid daughters. Hell, I was her daughters slave. I did everything for her daughter. Pshhh, grow up people. I am the one who is suppose to be immature. Guess what your the one who is immature.
One day I am going to forgive what they did to me. I WILL NEVER FORGET THOUGH! I will apoligize for the burden I am to them. I won't jold back when I attack them with my pain and anger. I am so sick and tired of being weak. I keep fighting a war that won't seem to end. That isn't even my battle.
I believe that I am right where I need to be.God put me in the place I am in because I simply have the strength to handle it. God is making me bend that knee, he is pushing me to my limit. He wants to see how extremly strong I am. I am about to show him, who He made me to be. I may have lost faith but now I know. I won't lose my faith or my soul again to demons.
Welcome to my world. The world of strength and passion. Goodnight everyone!
-The Strong!
They can kiss my butt, I am not going back to live with my dad. They ruined it. I won't visit him or talk to him. My father yea my deserve an apology. No one bothers to think that I actually have feelings and that no one bother to acknowlegde them. I didn't ahve to freaking tell them I was in pain. They could have seen it in my drawings, on my arms, and poetry! I am about done with everything. I wish my old life would just burn and disappear into a black hole. I wish it were a peice of paper. Easily ripable.
Thinking about him makes me want to punch a wall or just I don't know. I can't help but thinking about those to leirs and the path they are on. First I was rude to her because I was sick and tired of her being rude to me. I was always trying to help her and her stupid daughters. Hell, I was her daughters slave. I did everything for her daughter. Pshhh, grow up people. I am the one who is suppose to be immature. Guess what your the one who is immature.
One day I am going to forgive what they did to me. I WILL NEVER FORGET THOUGH! I will apoligize for the burden I am to them. I won't jold back when I attack them with my pain and anger. I am so sick and tired of being weak. I keep fighting a war that won't seem to end. That isn't even my battle.
I believe that I am right where I need to be.God put me in the place I am in because I simply have the strength to handle it. God is making me bend that knee, he is pushing me to my limit. He wants to see how extremly strong I am. I am about to show him, who He made me to be. I may have lost faith but now I know. I won't lose my faith or my soul again to demons.
Welcome to my world. The world of strength and passion. Goodnight everyone!
-The Strong!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Servin' Me Up Some Sundae!
It is Sunday again and I have lots to say tonight. I hope my battery lasts. Starting this Sunday off is Prayer.
1.) These three important people. My momma and her disease. My best friend and his Dad,, who is in the army. And, my old family. My old family need it because of the fights and troubles they go through.
2.) During church, a man named Louis, tripped on stairs trying to get down into water to get baptised. He has dislocated his knee. Please Prayer for him.
3.) My best friend in the whole wide whole. She caught bronchincitis. She keeps getting sick.
4.) And of course everyone who needs help. Prayer for anyone who needs it and also comment so I can add more to next weeks prayer list.
I had a great day today. I met new people and I had a blast. I slept after church. I have been so tired. I get to watch my anime tonight! Heck Yes!!!
Though I still miss my friends,, I don't miss my home life or old school. Yeah, sure I had a really cute guy who wanted me and I liked him. God had better things instore for me. I just know that I was mean't to be where I am now. No one can take that away from me.
It has been 2 days all together since I sent that email to my dad, he hasn't responded and I am kinda glad he hasn't. I don't know what he would say if he did. It would be hateful and cruel I feel. I feel like he would lash out and never talk to me.
I have a story and a video to share with you. The story is of Tim Tebow. A good looking hunk and a awesome story of God's will and power for his mother. I can say I cried reading it. Tim Tebow is a very blessed man. I would be honared to meet him. Here is the story.
Tim Tebow's Story
This is an amazing story and I hope that all of you all enjoy this information about Tim Tebow. Praise be to God.. Thanks for sharing Val..
In a recent email, I read about a woman named Pam, who knows the pain of considering abortion. More than 24 years ago, she and her husband Bob were serving as missionaries to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child.
... Pam contracted amoebic dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in contaminated food or drink. She went into a coma and was treated with ...strong antibiotics before they discovered she was ... pregnant.
Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted. Pam said the doctors didn't think of it as a life, they thought of it as a mass of fetal tissue.
While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband: If you will give us a son, we'll name him Timothy and we'll make him a preacher.
Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and eventually gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987. Pam's youngest son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and serves with his father's ministry in the Philippines. He also plays football. Pam's son is Tim Tebow.
The University of Florida's star quarterback became the first sophomore in history to win college football's highest award, the Heisman Trophy. His current role as quarterback of the Denver Broncos has provided an incredible platform for Christian witness. As a result, he is being called The Mile-High Messiah.
Tim's notoriety and the family's inspiring story have given Pam numerous opportunities to speak on behalf of womens centers across the country. Pam Tebow believes that every little baby you save matters.
He's being mocked and ridiculed but he keeps bending that knee!!!
I love this story and it is beautiful. The reason I wanted to share it with you is because in church during my sunday school, my teacher was talking about him. I just wanted to share that with ya'll. Mainly the people who enjoy the Denver Bronco's and love football.
Next the video I wanted to show is called, Everything By Lifehouse. Some if you know the band but it is a very powerful song. I hope you enjoy it.
Finally, I have had a long trip with God and I honestly have been put through enough pain and anger to get mad at God and say that he isn't real. But I always get my face slapped for it. I have a verse to share and it is John 14:11.
"Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or atleast believe evidence of the miracles themselves."
I believe that this statement is true. During volleyball games and basketball games. If we were losing I would pray to God about helping us out and he give us a good lead or catch up. One time during a volleyball tourney. We played a school. We had to beat them to 15. They had a head start, I can say that thrid round was the toughest round of my life. I than prayed during a minute break for God's help. I wanted a championship and so did the rest of the team. We were so close to winning. The score was 16 to 14. We got off the court I bursted into tears. I was so proud of my team. I was happy we were close to winning. We played the best we could. It paid off. I thank God that day for helping us out to as far as we could go. We pushed it to our limits. If only we could have saved that last ball.
Well, I am logging off. Goodnight everyone. Or good morning to some of you. Have a blessed day/night! Bye!
-Helpless Girl
1.) These three important people. My momma and her disease. My best friend and his Dad,, who is in the army. And, my old family. My old family need it because of the fights and troubles they go through.
2.) During church, a man named Louis, tripped on stairs trying to get down into water to get baptised. He has dislocated his knee. Please Prayer for him.
3.) My best friend in the whole wide whole. She caught bronchincitis. She keeps getting sick.
4.) And of course everyone who needs help. Prayer for anyone who needs it and also comment so I can add more to next weeks prayer list.
I had a great day today. I met new people and I had a blast. I slept after church. I have been so tired. I get to watch my anime tonight! Heck Yes!!!
Though I still miss my friends,, I don't miss my home life or old school. Yeah, sure I had a really cute guy who wanted me and I liked him. God had better things instore for me. I just know that I was mean't to be where I am now. No one can take that away from me.
It has been 2 days all together since I sent that email to my dad, he hasn't responded and I am kinda glad he hasn't. I don't know what he would say if he did. It would be hateful and cruel I feel. I feel like he would lash out and never talk to me.
I have a story and a video to share with you. The story is of Tim Tebow. A good looking hunk and a awesome story of God's will and power for his mother. I can say I cried reading it. Tim Tebow is a very blessed man. I would be honared to meet him. Here is the story.
Tim Tebow's Story
This is an amazing story and I hope that all of you all enjoy this information about Tim Tebow. Praise be to God.. Thanks for sharing Val..
In a recent email, I read about a woman named Pam, who knows the pain of considering abortion. More than 24 years ago, she and her husband Bob were serving as missionaries to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child.
... Pam contracted amoebic dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in contaminated food or drink. She went into a coma and was treated with ...strong antibiotics before they discovered she was ... pregnant.
Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted. Pam said the doctors didn't think of it as a life, they thought of it as a mass of fetal tissue.
While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband: If you will give us a son, we'll name him Timothy and we'll make him a preacher.
Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and eventually gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987. Pam's youngest son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and serves with his father's ministry in the Philippines. He also plays football. Pam's son is Tim Tebow.
The University of Florida's star quarterback became the first sophomore in history to win college football's highest award, the Heisman Trophy. His current role as quarterback of the Denver Broncos has provided an incredible platform for Christian witness. As a result, he is being called The Mile-High Messiah.
Tim's notoriety and the family's inspiring story have given Pam numerous opportunities to speak on behalf of womens centers across the country. Pam Tebow believes that every little baby you save matters.
He's being mocked and ridiculed but he keeps bending that knee!!!
I love this story and it is beautiful. The reason I wanted to share it with you is because in church during my sunday school, my teacher was talking about him. I just wanted to share that with ya'll. Mainly the people who enjoy the Denver Bronco's and love football.
Next the video I wanted to show is called, Everything By Lifehouse. Some if you know the band but it is a very powerful song. I hope you enjoy it.
Finally, I have had a long trip with God and I honestly have been put through enough pain and anger to get mad at God and say that he isn't real. But I always get my face slapped for it. I have a verse to share and it is John 14:11.
"Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or atleast believe evidence of the miracles themselves."
I believe that this statement is true. During volleyball games and basketball games. If we were losing I would pray to God about helping us out and he give us a good lead or catch up. One time during a volleyball tourney. We played a school. We had to beat them to 15. They had a head start, I can say that thrid round was the toughest round of my life. I than prayed during a minute break for God's help. I wanted a championship and so did the rest of the team. We were so close to winning. The score was 16 to 14. We got off the court I bursted into tears. I was so proud of my team. I was happy we were close to winning. We played the best we could. It paid off. I thank God that day for helping us out to as far as we could go. We pushed it to our limits. If only we could have saved that last ball.
Well, I am logging off. Goodnight everyone. Or good morning to some of you. Have a blessed day/night! Bye!
-Helpless Girl
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Great Days Right?
For once, I have felt happy. I decided today that I was going to right a letter to my dad. This is what I wrote.
I have felt like I was suffocating while I was living with you for awhile. I need someone to talk. That person happened to be Mom. I didn't do it so I could live with you. I did so I could be a little happier with myself. There isn't a need for talking, I feel like you don't listen. I was unhappy. I was unhappy because of the way Cheyenne and I were being treated. Cheyenne was constantly hurting and I felt like you made things worse. Chey has a senstive heart. She is like you in so many ways.
I don't want to visit you because of 2 reasons. You kicked me out and told me you never wanted to see me again. And I don't want to talk to you. I was never playing games. I am not like you. I am not that cruel or that low. I love my new school and I have many friends. I know that may hurt you. You have been hurting me for a long time.
I am not selfish. I am not cruel. I called you a fake beacsue I feel like you only want Cheyenne and me for money. I have caught different times where it sounded like you wanted us for money. I don't want to live with you or Lisa. I feel like I am the cause of everyone's issues's. For the longest of time I felt like everyone was rude to me so I became rude to everyone else. I was putting up a wall to help myself. You took the smallest deal and turn into a useless, unnesscery fight. Like everything else. There is no need to respond to this.Because I honestly feel like you won't care and won't understand.
I do love you. I don't hate you. I was tired of being treated like a dog to kick around. That's how I felt. I am done with this. You can think, "Oh, Amy is influecing her" or "She is acting like a brat." I honeslty don't care what you or anyone else there thinks anymore. And, I DON'T HATE LISA! I never have. I don't agree with some of the stuff she does but that is normal for a teenagar. I felt like her daughters we're always put first in your eyes. I felt like when Cheyenne and I needed something it was always me paying for it. Honeslty, I was tired of ya'll fighting and feeling like I was being put last.
I have feelings and again I was abandon by you. When I needed you the most you kicked me out. What makes you think I would want to talk to you or even visit you after what you have told me? Think about this and understand. It's not all about your feelings. There is Cheyenne's and mine. If you can't understand this than there is no point in my coming back. I lost my home when I came back 2 years ago. I finally feel at home for once. I don't want that to change. Goodbye Dad.
Knowing myself I was getting mad typing this. My father will not know why I wrote this and will get made over this. Did I do the right thing? I feel better and I hope that will subside the anger. I haven't felt this much better since I left. I am logging off now. Goodbye.
-The Helpless
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Prayer Sunday & More Madness
I know I didn't do this last weekend, I was grounded from my computer because of fighting with my sister anyways. Here is the start of it.
*My mom and her issue with HS.
*My dad and his forgiving and whatever process. (I am still mad at him)
*My friend and his dad who is in the military.
*My mom's friend whose sister is in the hospital.
*My little sister. She has been through a lot. She has a very angry attitude and needs some prayers to fix it. She loves to argue and not listen. Kinda like her father. I am not trying to bash her or anything in that I am ticked off at her.
*And to all the homeless people and parents. To anyone who needs prayer.
The morning started pretty great. My mom's boyfriend picked on me and I started to get ready for church. I was all ready and I decided to go get my phone and listen to music. As I went to unlock my Father had sent my a message saying "I guess your not going to talk to him." I told him I felt hurt by what he had said. And as usual he always turns back on me. Not understanding what I want or my needs. Thanks Daddy! Your a real awesome Dad! Not! During church I leave my phone is the truck. I was listening to the message when I heard the Pastor say " Take a complex situation and turn it into a simple one. I thought about that for awhile. I came to me how I can make a simple situation from the complex one I am with my dad. I am still thinking about it but it seems pretty freaking obvious that there isn't one in my situation. I really don't know what to do with this mess. Well after church. We ate burritos and I went to check my phone. His lovely wife had sent me messages asking how I was doing. I really don't trust her or my dad. Or anyone in that house except the babies. Because they don't know what the hell is going on. I don't know wether I should tell them how angry and upset with I feel with all of them or not? So now I am here listening to Lifehouse and writing this blog post trying not to cry.
I guess I need to take a walk and do some thinking. I am off for now guys. Bye
-The Hurt
*My mom and her issue with HS.
*My dad and his forgiving and whatever process. (I am still mad at him)
*My friend and his dad who is in the military.
*My mom's friend whose sister is in the hospital.
*My little sister. She has been through a lot. She has a very angry attitude and needs some prayers to fix it. She loves to argue and not listen. Kinda like her father. I am not trying to bash her or anything in that I am ticked off at her.
*And to all the homeless people and parents. To anyone who needs prayer.
The morning started pretty great. My mom's boyfriend picked on me and I started to get ready for church. I was all ready and I decided to go get my phone and listen to music. As I went to unlock my Father had sent my a message saying "I guess your not going to talk to him." I told him I felt hurt by what he had said. And as usual he always turns back on me. Not understanding what I want or my needs. Thanks Daddy! Your a real awesome Dad! Not! During church I leave my phone is the truck. I was listening to the message when I heard the Pastor say " Take a complex situation and turn it into a simple one. I thought about that for awhile. I came to me how I can make a simple situation from the complex one I am with my dad. I am still thinking about it but it seems pretty freaking obvious that there isn't one in my situation. I really don't know what to do with this mess. Well after church. We ate burritos and I went to check my phone. His lovely wife had sent me messages asking how I was doing. I really don't trust her or my dad. Or anyone in that house except the babies. Because they don't know what the hell is going on. I don't know wether I should tell them how angry and upset with I feel with all of them or not? So now I am here listening to Lifehouse and writing this blog post trying not to cry.
I guess I need to take a walk and do some thinking. I am off for now guys. Bye
-The Hurt
Friday, February 10, 2012
Hell & Back
Today I started calling attorneys and trying to get help on my dad. I have been fighting this issue for awhile inside. I have been confused about what I wanted to do and I have been real scared about it, too. Some off you know my sititution very well because ya'll follow my blog and ya'll are close friends of my Mom.
I have many choices right now but I don't want to do any off them except maybe one. Call the judge and tell him whta the hell is wrong with his mind the night he gave custody to my Dad. I swear that man was a drunk bitch.
I have grown old of the silly games that have been played with my Dad. I am makiung my own decisons in life and I am not going to care. I am going to defend my family and I won't stand down for shit anymore. I am growing old of complaining and I just want to heal. I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is that I am going to have to learn to put my faith in Christ and God.
I have been through a lot . I have been through hell and back. I know my mistakes. I know my flaws. I know I am blame for a lot of stuff. I am done listening to what other people have to say. I only listen to my elders, God, and Jesus Christ. I am getting off to go watch Left Behind 2 and take a nice shower. Have a goodnight everybody!
-THE KICKING BUTT!
I have many choices right now but I don't want to do any off them except maybe one. Call the judge and tell him whta the hell is wrong with his mind the night he gave custody to my Dad. I swear that man was a drunk bitch.
I have grown old of the silly games that have been played with my Dad. I am makiung my own decisons in life and I am not going to care. I am going to defend my family and I won't stand down for shit anymore. I am growing old of complaining and I just want to heal. I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is that I am going to have to learn to put my faith in Christ and God.
I have been through a lot . I have been through hell and back. I know my mistakes. I know my flaws. I know I am blame for a lot of stuff. I am done listening to what other people have to say. I only listen to my elders, God, and Jesus Christ. I am getting off to go watch Left Behind 2 and take a nice shower. Have a goodnight everybody!
-THE KICKING BUTT!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Still Angry
I really haven"t been on because I have been kinda grounded. Though I have been like super busy with school and homework. It's like I have no time to get my blog kept up. So this is what has been going on and the update on things with my life and my dad.
School is great, I have made lots of friends and I love it, except Algebra 1. It sucks ace. I really hate the teacher in that class.
My Dad likes to make things all better by being nice. Though he was rude and kicked me out. He is being nice. Are you f-ing kidding me! I really am sick of him and his BULLS**T! I am still mad when I talk about him.
Everything is good at my Mom's house. I love living here and I already see a cute guy in my future!(; I don't think I could be any happier. I am at some peace and I have no feelings about leaving that dump I came from. I really couldn't care less what happens to my room or there. It is all bound to burn in hell threre. And I don't want to be caught up in it. Who doesn't?
Other than all of that. I have been great and pretty dang happy. Well I hope all of ya'll are happy and have a blessed night and day tomorrow. Goodnight everyone.
-The Helpless
School is great, I have made lots of friends and I love it, except Algebra 1. It sucks ace. I really hate the teacher in that class.
My Dad likes to make things all better by being nice. Though he was rude and kicked me out. He is being nice. Are you f-ing kidding me! I really am sick of him and his BULLS**T! I am still mad when I talk about him.
Everything is good at my Mom's house. I love living here and I already see a cute guy in my future!(; I don't think I could be any happier. I am at some peace and I have no feelings about leaving that dump I came from. I really couldn't care less what happens to my room or there. It is all bound to burn in hell threre. And I don't want to be caught up in it. Who doesn't?
Other than all of that. I have been great and pretty dang happy. Well I hope all of ya'll are happy and have a blessed night and day tomorrow. Goodnight everyone.
-The Helpless
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