I Know

Today has been pretty rough on me. It was okay and than I got into a fight with my little sister. She clawed my back and arms. It didn't hurt that much but the girl needs her nails trimmed. She is a freaking cat.
 I know, I acted up today. I knew I had to do laundry and I just didn't want to go. Because, I honestly hate doing laundry, But I complained and acted like my sister and I seriously pissed off my mom's boyfriend. I didn't mean to. What really hurt, was I went to go back and get the grocrey list and find that my mom's boyfriend is gone. That is what hurt me. He just took off and left. I felt abandon, AGAIN! I really hate feeling this feeling it hurts.
  I know I am not prefect and I know I will piss people off. I am pretty good at it. I have my beliefs. Don't we all? I am kinda mad and I just really feel like crying and all. I don't want to cry. I am just going to leave everyone alone. I just really can't take judement. Where they right? Am I really that bad? I am going insane right now. I just can't let myself get hurt again.
  If I have to go back to my dad's I don't think I will make it out alive. I just keep having dark feeling about things. I don't know if I will ever truely be happy again.
 Damnnit Satan! Stop that crap! This is all your fault! Go to hell! Go fall in a hole and die! Please my life was fine before you came into it and ruin it all! I had a happy life!
This song I am about to put up is by my favorite band. Tokio Hotel. They are an awesome german band! The song is about suicide. I honestly wish my father would have done this. I feel like my dad. I wish things had been really different.

If I could wish for anything, it's to have someone like that, be that to me. Yet, the one person I looked up cheated me out. Kicked me out. Tore my whole world out my heart. I have never felt so cold hearted than I have been. I have become someone I never wanted to become.
 Things will or may not be the same from now on.

I have a very iced broken heart. If it even exists anymore. My heart was tooken out a very long time ago. Though the theif hates me and won't speak to me. I don't care to retrive it. I know I will lose it again. I know the out come of things for me and I just can't see my future. I am trying not to see things like this but I am. I am going to sleep. Goodnighht.

Deep In My Heart

I didn't have to tell anyone what was going on with me. I kept showing signs I was depressed. I was cutting myself. I was writing really agnoizing poetry. I was drawing really horrifying pictures of depressed people. I felt like no one seem to notice. I was mainly hiding out in my room. I cried every night. I had never healed completely from the pain. I was looking to just leave the world. I was wanting to. Something that really is messed up is to calm myself down I was imangining my own death. Different ways I could die. I was depressed because I felt like no one bothered to care about my emotions. I felt like everytime I tried to get my self my own help, I was put down for it. I felt like I was a dog for my dad to keep around for money. I just kept feeling like I was being put down for any reason. Now that I want to express my feelings. No one wanted to speak my mind, and now when I do. People aorund me that I love, they don't want me around. They want to keep me locked up and shut away. I can ruin lives if I choose to. I have felt many different times that these people I call my family wanted me dead. That's how they can make sure I would never speak. So I could take things to my grave.
  Come to think of it, my dad never once tried to stop me from commiting suicide. Yea, he helped me get into the mental freak hospital. But he always put me down, and thought I never would kill myself. Sometimes I always thought I was strong enough to kill myself. No one ever thought I was serious. Except my mom and little sister. Well, I have some bible work I have to go do. Bye!!

-The Strong

In The Deep

I have been in a deep water.
Far into the blue seas.
I felt like I was drowing.
I was on the verge between the light and endless darkness.
One day I woke up from the deep nightmare.
I realized my stength.
I noticed who I was.
I looked at the stars.
I smelled the air.
No dark ocean.
It was the best thing I knew I of.

I Just Love The Way You Lie, NOT!

I can't believe the things I read or why I even bother keep in contact with my family. I would rather just be dead to them. I am a horrible person. I disobey and I like to argue. I guess I am not allow to have feelings either. Your not neutral bitch! You just like believing whatever the hell my dad says and you know you get money from it. How does it feel to rob my mother of her money? Knowing good and well that we live with her. Gosh stupid idiots in the world. I am just so angry right now with the world and my home life. I was so happy today and my pathetic step mom ruined it all.
  They can kiss my butt, I am not going back to live with my dad. They ruined it. I won't visit him or talk to him. My father yea my deserve an apology. No one bothers to think that I actually have feelings and that no one bother to acknowlegde them. I didn't ahve to freaking tell them I was in pain. They could have seen it in my drawings, on my arms, and poetry! I am about done with everything. I wish my old life would just burn and disappear into a black hole. I wish it were a peice of paper. Easily ripable.
  Thinking about him makes me want to punch a wall or just I don't know. I can't help but thinking about those to leirs and the path they are on. First I was rude to her because I was sick and tired of her being rude to me. I was always trying to help her and her stupid daughters. Hell, I was her daughters slave. I did everything for her daughter. Pshhh, grow up people. I am the one who is suppose to be immature. Guess what your the one who is immature.
  One day I am going to forgive what they did to me. I WILL NEVER FORGET THOUGH! I will apoligize for the burden I am to them. I won't jold back when I attack them with my pain and anger. I am so sick and tired of being weak. I keep fighting a war that won't seem to end. That isn't even my battle.
 I believe that I am right where I need to be.God put me in the place I am in because I simply have the strength to handle it. God is making me bend that knee, he is pushing me to my limit. He wants to see how extremly strong I am. I am about to show him, who He made me to be. I may have lost faith but now I know. I won't lose my faith or my soul again to demons.
 Welcome to my world. The world of strength and passion. Goodnight everyone!

-The Strong!

Servin' Me Up Some Sundae!

 It is Sunday again and I have lots to say tonight. I hope my battery lasts. Starting this Sunday off is Prayer.

1.) These three important people. My momma and her disease. My best friend and his Dad,, who is in the army. And, my old family. My old family need it because of the fights and troubles they go through.
 2.) During church, a man named Louis, tripped on stairs trying to get down into water to get baptised. He has dislocated his knee. Please Prayer for him.
3.) My best friend in the whole wide whole. She caught bronchincitis. She keeps getting sick.
4.) And of course everyone who needs help. Prayer for anyone who needs it and also comment so I can add more to next weeks prayer list.

I had a great day today. I met new people and I had a blast. I slept after church. I have been so tired. I get to watch my anime tonight! Heck Yes!!!
  Though I still miss my friends,, I don't miss my home life or old school. Yeah, sure I had a really cute guy who wanted me and I liked him. God had better things instore for me. I just know that I was mean't to be where  I am now. No one can take that away from me.

  It has been 2 days all together since I sent that email to my dad, he hasn't responded and I am kinda glad he hasn't. I don't know what he would say if he did. It would be hateful and cruel I feel. I feel like he would lash out and never talk to me.
  I have a story and a video to share with you. The story is of Tim Tebow. A good looking hunk and a awesome story of God's will and power for his mother. I can say I cried reading it. Tim Tebow is a very blessed man. I would be honared to meet him. Here is the story.

Tim Tebow's Story
This is an amazing story and I hope that all of you all enjoy this information about Tim Tebow. Praise be to God.. Thanks for sharing Val..

In a recent email, I read about a woman named Pam, who knows the pain of considering abortion. More than 24 years ago, she and her husband Bob were serving as missionaries to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child.

... Pam contracted amoebic dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in contaminated food or drink. She went into a coma and was treated with ...strong antibiotics before they discovered she was ... pregnant.

Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted. Pam said the doctors didn't think of it as a life, they thought of it as a mass of fetal tissue.

While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband: If you will give us a son, we'll name him Timothy and we'll make him a preacher.

Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and eventually gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987. Pam's youngest son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and serves with his father's ministry in the Philippines. He also plays football. Pam's son is Tim Tebow.

The University of Florida's star quarterback became the first sophomore in history to win college football's highest award, the Heisman Trophy. His current role as quarterback of the Denver Broncos has provided an incredible platform for Christian witness. As a result, he is being called The Mile-High Messiah.

Tim's notoriety and the family's inspiring story have given Pam numerous opportunities to speak on behalf of womens centers across the country. Pam Tebow believes that every little baby you save matters.

He's being mocked and ridiculed but he keeps bending that knee!!!


I love this story and it is beautiful. The reason I wanted to share it with you is because in church during my sunday school, my teacher was talking about him. I just wanted to share that with ya'll. Mainly the people who enjoy the Denver Bronco's and love football.

  Next the video I wanted to show is called, Everything By Lifehouse. Some if you know the band but it is a very powerful song. I hope you enjoy it.

 Finally, I have had a long trip with God and I honestly have been put through enough pain and anger to get mad at God and say that he isn't real. But I always get my face slapped for it. I have a verse to share and it is John 14:11.
"Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or atleast believe evidence  of the miracles themselves."
 I believe that this statement is true. During volleyball games and basketball games. If we were losing I would pray to God about helping us out and he give us a good lead or catch up. One time during a volleyball tourney. We played a school. We had to beat them to 15. They had a head start, I can say that thrid round was the toughest round of my life. I than prayed during a minute break for God's help. I wanted a championship and so did the rest of the team. We were so close to winning. The score was 16 to 14. We got off the court I bursted into tears. I was so proud of my team. I was happy we were close to winning. We played the best we could. It paid off. I thank God that day for helping us out to as far as we could go. We pushed it to our limits. If only  we could have saved that last ball.
  Well, I am logging off. Goodnight everyone. Or good morning to some of you. Have a blessed day/night! Bye!

-Helpless Girl

Great Days Right?

  For once, I have felt happy. I decided today that I was going to right a letter to my dad. This is what I wrote.

I have felt like I was suffocating while I was living with you for awhile. I need someone to talk. That person happened to be Mom. I didn't do it so I could live with you. I did so I could be a little happier with myself. There isn't a need for talking, I feel like you don't listen. I was unhappy. I was unhappy because of the way Cheyenne and I were being treated. Cheyenne was constantly hurting and I felt like you made things worse. Chey has a senstive heart. She is like you in so many ways.

I don't want to visit you because of 2 reasons. You kicked me out and told me you never wanted to see me again. And I don't want to talk to you. I was never playing games. I am not like you. I am not that cruel or that low. I love my new school and I have many friends. I know that may hurt you. You have been hurting me for a long time.

I am not selfish. I am not cruel. I called you a fake beacsue I feel like you only want Cheyenne and me for money. I have caught different times where it sounded like you wanted us for money. I don't want to live with you or Lisa. I feel like I am the cause of everyone's issues's. For the longest of time I felt like everyone was rude to me so I became rude to everyone else. I was putting up a wall to help myself. You took the smallest deal and turn into a useless, unnesscery fight. Like everything else. There is no need to respond to this.Because I honestly feel like you won't care and won't understand.

I do love you. I don't hate you. I was tired of being treated like a dog to kick around. That's how I felt. I am done with this. You can think, "Oh, Amy is influecing her" or "She is acting like a brat." I honeslty don't care what you or anyone else there thinks anymore. And, I DON'T HATE LISA! I never have. I don't agree with some of the stuff she does but that is normal for a teenagar. I felt like her daughters we're always put first in your eyes. I felt like when Cheyenne and I needed something it was always me paying for it. Honeslty, I was tired of ya'll fighting and feeling like I was being put last.

I have feelings and again I was abandon by you. When I needed you the most you kicked me out. What makes you think I would want to talk to you or even visit you after what you have told me? Think about this and understand. It's not all about your feelings. There is Cheyenne's and mine. If you can't understand this than there is no point in my coming back. I lost my home when I came back 2 years ago. I finally feel at home for once. I don't want that to change. Goodbye Dad.

 

Knowing myself I was getting mad typing this. My father will not know why I wrote this and will get made over this. Did I do the right thing? I feel better and I hope that will subside the anger. I haven't felt this much better since I left. I am logging off now. Goodbye.

 

-The Helpless

Prayer Sunday & More Madness

 I know I didn't do this last weekend, I was grounded from my computer because of fighting with my sister anyways. Here is the start of it.

*My mom and her issue with HS.
*My dad and his forgiving and whatever process. (I am still mad at him)
*My friend and his dad who is in the military.
*My mom's friend whose sister is in the hospital.
*My little sister. She has been through a lot. She has a very angry attitude and needs some prayers to fix it. She loves to argue and not listen. Kinda like her father. I am not trying to bash her or anything in that I am ticked off at her.
*And to all the homeless people and parents. To anyone who needs prayer.

The morning started pretty great. My mom's boyfriend picked on me and I started to get ready for church. I was all ready and I decided to go get my phone and listen to music. As I went to unlock my Father had sent my a message saying "I guess your not going to talk to him." I told him I felt hurt by what he had said. And as usual he always turns back on me. Not understanding what I want or my needs. Thanks Daddy! Your a real awesome Dad! Not! During church I leave my phone is the truck. I was listening to the message when I heard the Pastor say " Take a complex situation and turn it into a simple one. I thought about that for awhile. I came to me how I can make a simple situation from the complex one I am with my dad. I am still thinking about it but it seems pretty freaking obvious that there isn't one in my situation. I really don't know what to do with this mess. Well after church. We ate burritos and I went to check my phone. His lovely wife had sent me messages asking how I was doing. I really don't trust her or my dad. Or anyone in that house except the babies. Because they don't know what the hell is going on. I don't know wether I should tell them how angry and upset with I feel with all of them or not? So now I am here listening to Lifehouse and writing this blog post trying not to cry.
I guess I need to take a walk and do some thinking. I am off for now guys. Bye

-The Hurt