Life is Great!

The past two weeks life has been great! Everything has fallen into place. I have been busy and just everywhere lately. Tonight I decided to sit down and write for a while. There have been a lot of things that have crossed my mind lately.
  The other day I woke up late. Luckily my dad texted me good morning. Than my friend Hunter. But I sat there thinking. What is the point of holding the grudge against my dad? I know I was mad at him. He makes me mad talking to him. I just need to learn patience. I know I don't have any when it comes down to that. I think I feel like I could talk to me and than it's like no, I can't. I feel bad for not talking to him. I just wish things were different. He isn't a bad guy. He has a good side when he isn't mad. I just get so frustrated because he kicked me out and now wants a relationship with me. I just have a hard time dealing with it.
 One thing I am learning in Life Groups is the fruit if the spirit. There are 9 of them.

*Love
*Joy
*Peace
*Patience
*Kindness
*Goodness
*Faithfulness
*Gentleness
*Self- Control

I have lots of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. I lack patience and self-control. A lot of it it to. I get mad to easily and sometimes it results in injuring somebody. Patience is my weakest point because I get impatient for something and it makes me mad. I get jealous and I get selfish. A lot. I have good points and bad. I am glad I can point out my weakest points and began working on them.
 Well thanks guys for reading. Love you all!(:

Given Not Taken

I have been listening to this new band. Though their music is mainly about sex they have a few good songs. They are always willing to help their fans. Last night there was a post from them giving a number saying how they didn't want to lose another fan to self harm. It was amazing to really read that. This band is called Blood On The Dance Floor. Amazing guys.
 It made me really think about all the self harm I did. I really want to help others out there like Demi Lovato, Pete Wentz, myself and others. There is so much to teach others in coping and healing and I think the way to start really is Love. Knowing that God loves you.
 I was real down in the dumps after my dad kicked me out. I honestly didn't believe in God. I thought He was not real. Then I begin a bible study. I learned that I was never abandon and that I am loved. I am still learning how to forgive. Mom says it is time but it takes time forgive. She doesn't need to be telling me it's time to forgive. Because it took her well over a year to heal. I will forgive my dad. I just need to be away from him.
 Healing really starts with knowing God loves you. It is better to have that understanding.  You are never abandon and you are never alone. Never hide what's going on inside. Speak up before commit self- harm! Not only are you giving up but your giving up on bands like Blood on The Dance Floor who really look out for their fans.

"Love never fails!" 1 Corinthins 13:8
It truely doesn't. God gave us one life to live for Him!

Tough Days

Everyone has been so up tight the last past couple of days. Everyone's mad at eachother. I can't help but feel a little unwanted and unloved again. It seems like no matter where I go this feeling likes to return. I feel it everywhere I go. Maybe it's naturally in me. I can't help but on a daily bases think, damn that knife is sharp but I can't get caught. I can't go back. I just want to cut and I want to feel something different form the same old pain. I don't want to keep the same old show going on. I just can't keep holding on any longer. I haven't felt happy since I was young. I am aiming for happiness but I always fall way to short. I have felt like dying for some time and I still think about death to ease my sleep.
  My mom seems to hold most of it. I don't know whats going on. I just can't stop the feeling from coming back over and over again. I am so close to the deep end. I feel like jumping in water and just letting it take me over. I can't keep living this way. I just can't. I can't keep fighting my depression. I feel like just letting it win. There is no end to this black hole. I hate to say it but I feel it winning. I just can't stop the walk towards the edge. I can't keep this up. My heart had been torn to pieces by all my loved ones.  I am ending it here for now with this topic.

Please pray for my mom and her surgrey. And bring her piece and happiness. I am out ya'll! Later.

-The Broken Hearted

Sunday Fun

  Today was great. The church had a a care for the town and I got stuck staining benches. It was really fun, it just my hands and I ruined my favorite pair of jeans. It was a really fun day. I will go ahead and start the please prayer.

My cousin Ry-Ry: She went to the hospital yesterday and has been in the E.R all day. She is only 3 years old and is precious to me.
My friend David in his healing process. He has been terrbibly hurt. He has tried to commit suicide and just needs some healing. Please pray for him on that journey.
My mom in her surgrey next week. She is going to a lot of prayers.
And I think that's it. All I can think of.
  I sent my dad an email. Hoping that it was the wisest choice I have ever made.This is what I wrote him.

I didn't have to tell anyone what was going on with me. I kept showing signs I was depressed. I was cutting myself. I was writing really agnoizing poetry. I was drawing really horrifying pictures of depressed people. I felt like no one seem to notice. I was mainly hiding out in my room. I cried every night. I had never healed completely from the pain. I was looking to just leave the world. I was wanting to. Something that really is messed up is to calm myself down I was imangining my own death. Different ways I could die. I was depressed because I felt like no one bothered to care about my emotions. I felt like everytime I tried to get my self my own help you disapproved. I felt like I was a dog for you to keep around for money. I felt like I couldn't keep living with you because of all the stress between Lisa and you. I felt like the reason you were so angry was becasue of me. I felt like I couldn't keep living around an aura so bloody mary red that it caused my own anger. There had been nights I had thoughts of suicide and tried to commit suicide. Now, I really don't think about death.

I am trying to change my life back around. I am learning to become a better Christian and I love going to church. I am learning to love God and be more of who I am. For once, I actually feel happy. I actually sleep better at night to.

I am not at all blaming my pain on you. I am not trying to hurt you at all in this email.

But, I will say on thing. I had got to a point, where I had felt like you didn't love me. At the end of my time living there with you, I had really believed it. Even now.

The reason why I don't want to talk to you, if because of what you told me. You said this to me "Get the f*** out. I never want to see you again." Wether you want to admit that you said that, it is all up to you. I also remembering hearing something about since we don't care about you and call you a fake and liar, why should you love us, when you believe that we don't love you. I am not totally accurate on that. But something similar was said to Lisa. There, now you know my feelings. For awhile, I need you to just leave me alone. I need my break away from you. Please, it's all I am asking.

I know I hurt you. I have hurt you for a long time. Just remember, I have been in pain for a very long to. Right now, I need to let myself learn to forgive, I need to heal myself, and mainly I need to teach myself how to be truely happy again. So until I am ready please leave me alone. That is all I ask for now.

Do know I love and that this is not to hurt you. It's for you to know the pain that I am in that was never acknowledge and that has opened up a black hole in my soul. I am sending you a couple of links to youtube music videos. Please pay attention to the lyrics and think about them. Some of these guys may not be your type but just listen to the son, pay attention to the lyrics, and please thinks about them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-lNBrZCJ9k

Tokio Hotel-Don't Jump

This song right here relates to the pain I was in and how bad I wish some one, I felt like was you, to be that one person to help me through it. Keep in mine that these are just MY FEELINGS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbCMlMn3Jw8

Sick Puppies-Maybe

This song kinda fits how I feel now and back than. I do feel like it fits you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElCIGdLx4UM

Ronnie Dunn- Bleed Red

This song is just to show you that we all have pains and we all need to forgive and love.

Thank you for reading and thank you for watching. This is not to hurt you! This is just my feelings. I need you to understand. I need you for once listen. I have heard you. But I feel like you haven't heard me.

Love you,

Your oldest

 

 

No reply to it yet and it has been 3 days. He has read the email. I just don't know what he will think. For now, I have been doing good. I get to see my cousins and family this coming weekend and get to see King Tut. I am really excited about it. I get to enjoy my old life for once with my family. Other than that I have a bible study thing to hurry up and finish before Lifegroups tonight. Well gotta go! Bye!

 

-Me(:

I Know

Today has been pretty rough on me. It was okay and than I got into a fight with my little sister. She clawed my back and arms. It didn't hurt that much but the girl needs her nails trimmed. She is a freaking cat.
 I know, I acted up today. I knew I had to do laundry and I just didn't want to go. Because, I honestly hate doing laundry, But I complained and acted like my sister and I seriously pissed off my mom's boyfriend. I didn't mean to. What really hurt, was I went to go back and get the grocrey list and find that my mom's boyfriend is gone. That is what hurt me. He just took off and left. I felt abandon, AGAIN! I really hate feeling this feeling it hurts.
  I know I am not prefect and I know I will piss people off. I am pretty good at it. I have my beliefs. Don't we all? I am kinda mad and I just really feel like crying and all. I don't want to cry. I am just going to leave everyone alone. I just really can't take judement. Where they right? Am I really that bad? I am going insane right now. I just can't let myself get hurt again.
  If I have to go back to my dad's I don't think I will make it out alive. I just keep having dark feeling about things. I don't know if I will ever truely be happy again.
 Damnnit Satan! Stop that crap! This is all your fault! Go to hell! Go fall in a hole and die! Please my life was fine before you came into it and ruin it all! I had a happy life!
This song I am about to put up is by my favorite band. Tokio Hotel. They are an awesome german band! The song is about suicide. I honestly wish my father would have done this. I feel like my dad. I wish things had been really different.

If I could wish for anything, it's to have someone like that, be that to me. Yet, the one person I looked up cheated me out. Kicked me out. Tore my whole world out my heart. I have never felt so cold hearted than I have been. I have become someone I never wanted to become.
 Things will or may not be the same from now on.

I have a very iced broken heart. If it even exists anymore. My heart was tooken out a very long time ago. Though the theif hates me and won't speak to me. I don't care to retrive it. I know I will lose it again. I know the out come of things for me and I just can't see my future. I am trying not to see things like this but I am. I am going to sleep. Goodnighht.

Deep In My Heart

I didn't have to tell anyone what was going on with me. I kept showing signs I was depressed. I was cutting myself. I was writing really agnoizing poetry. I was drawing really horrifying pictures of depressed people. I felt like no one seem to notice. I was mainly hiding out in my room. I cried every night. I had never healed completely from the pain. I was looking to just leave the world. I was wanting to. Something that really is messed up is to calm myself down I was imangining my own death. Different ways I could die. I was depressed because I felt like no one bothered to care about my emotions. I felt like everytime I tried to get my self my own help, I was put down for it. I felt like I was a dog for my dad to keep around for money. I just kept feeling like I was being put down for any reason. Now that I want to express my feelings. No one wanted to speak my mind, and now when I do. People aorund me that I love, they don't want me around. They want to keep me locked up and shut away. I can ruin lives if I choose to. I have felt many different times that these people I call my family wanted me dead. That's how they can make sure I would never speak. So I could take things to my grave.
  Come to think of it, my dad never once tried to stop me from commiting suicide. Yea, he helped me get into the mental freak hospital. But he always put me down, and thought I never would kill myself. Sometimes I always thought I was strong enough to kill myself. No one ever thought I was serious. Except my mom and little sister. Well, I have some bible work I have to go do. Bye!!

-The Strong

In The Deep

I have been in a deep water.
Far into the blue seas.
I felt like I was drowing.
I was on the verge between the light and endless darkness.
One day I woke up from the deep nightmare.
I realized my stength.
I noticed who I was.
I looked at the stars.
I smelled the air.
No dark ocean.
It was the best thing I knew I of.