Where do I even begin?? Um yeah.. Where have I been the past couple of months? Well I have been with a boy. And I was so involved with him I stopped writing. I got out of life groups and I changed as a person. I became a person with an attitude, bad behavior, tempted into sex amny different times and so much more. I let myself go. I stopped believing in the good Lord. I allowed this boy to affect me in a way that should have never happened. Nothing was important to me. Woo does high school really screw things up. And than I went to a church Kamp and it changed me back and did even more changing spiritually.
I realized that when I went to this Kamp thing that I needed to forgive my dad, my mom, and everyone else who has ever hurt me or did me wrong. I realized how I abondoned my relationship with God. Everything changed for me. I changed from a depressed, angry, punk of a teen to a teenager with her heart set on God. I am finally stronger. I am letting go offmy ex but it is taking its time. I am hurt by him and his words. I am hurt by treatment towards me. It wasn't meant to be and I know that.
I lost my phone and internet so I am currently writing this earlier than it shall be posted. I have my laptop but my parents have paid the billed. I am also thinking of creating a bible study website so I will post all of that when I am ready and I will have an email to were I can give advice for people on it. I might have a co-author on it. If she wants to help, I might have me a partner. I will also create a facebook page for this. I am working on the name and stuff still but this is all a thought process.
I cannot say how thankful I am for all of you guys! For supporting me and helping me throughout this process. Ya'll have a blessed day/night! Goodnight!!!
-The Strong <3
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Blackmill
An amazing guy who is awesome who does not need lyrics to most of his music has an amazing fan. I haven't been able to sleep for some weeks and I listened to Blackmill to help me. His music is a melodic dupstep. A very unique talent this is. Several of his songs are downright amazing. His music gives you peace and sereinty through a life time of pain..
This is Evil Beauty.. The pictures are amazing and his beats are amazing. I would be the one to put him up for a music award and much more. I wonder if he would let me interveiw him. It would be amazing to talk to such an amazing artist.
The truth of everyone.. The Lucid Truth.. Thanks guys for supporting me.. I don't get on as much as I use to but I wanted something different. The blog will be undergoing a new name and a new change here soon/ Thanks!
The truth of everyone.. The Lucid Truth.. Thanks guys for supporting me.. I don't get on as much as I use to but I wanted something different. The blog will be undergoing a new name and a new change here soon/ Thanks!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Decisons and Tears
I have always grown up around animals.. I have seen come along and I have seen them go. I recieved news today coming home from school that my dog has supposely attacked nad killed 3 kittens. I don't believe. My dad won't put the dog down but I am afraid that if shie goes anywhere she will be put down. I have the choice to either have her put down or give her up. Though I don't want to, I have 3 choices, put her down, give her to the shelter, and give her to someone who might take her. I love my baby girl so much and I just can't take losing her. Living with that torment again would leave me depress..
The sad thing is, I don't get to say goodbye. All I can do is cry. They seem to be pouring.. It seems like no matter where I go or what I do. Nothing goes right. I will be depressed for the next couple of days and I am fine by that. I need some time to my thought. I need some time to think. I need to be by myself. Alone.
Away from the world.
My mom might think something else but I just want to be alone. I need to feel something besides the fact that I am angry. I laugh everyday and I love my friends but I need to just think. The world needs a break from me and I need a break from the world. So sleeping and crying help me get it out. Tonight I am shutting off my phone and listening to music. I will eat maybe but I might just write. Write that I am still depressed and thats okay. I can write poetry. I can yell and scream. Not trying to be anymore than myself inside. Just releasing and letting it flow.
I am no longer mad at my dad. I have forgiven him somewhat. My objective now is letting go. Letting go and burning all the bridges to my past. That's all I can do.
I pray that ya'll don't have a crappy day like me. God bless you all!
The sad thing is, I don't get to say goodbye. All I can do is cry. They seem to be pouring.. It seems like no matter where I go or what I do. Nothing goes right. I will be depressed for the next couple of days and I am fine by that. I need some time to my thought. I need some time to think. I need to be by myself. Alone.
Away from the world.
My mom might think something else but I just want to be alone. I need to feel something besides the fact that I am angry. I laugh everyday and I love my friends but I need to just think. The world needs a break from me and I need a break from the world. So sleeping and crying help me get it out. Tonight I am shutting off my phone and listening to music. I will eat maybe but I might just write. Write that I am still depressed and thats okay. I can write poetry. I can yell and scream. Not trying to be anymore than myself inside. Just releasing and letting it flow.
I am no longer mad at my dad. I have forgiven him somewhat. My objective now is letting go. Letting go and burning all the bridges to my past. That's all I can do.
I pray that ya'll don't have a crappy day like me. God bless you all!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Emo much??
I love how everyone honestly thinks I am happy. I am not.I get pissed and still get depressed. I feel like crying right now. All I know is I have been cut deep and it is still pouring. I can't be happy when I feel like healing doesn't even exist. I actually feel like cutting myself. You think my mom could handle that. Now all she thinks is putting me in a mental hospital will help. Ha, no it won't. They don't shit there. I would know. I have been there. They give you medicene and think well your happy now leave. No it doesn't go like that.
I am also pissed at the world because no one understands that the pain is seeping even futher and it isn't getting any better. I am just about to blow again. Tears begin to roll down my cheek and I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. It has gotton better. I have kept everything inside. I still do. No one wants to hear what I have to say. No one cares. People have it in their thick heads you talk about it. Your fine. But NO. It doesn't go like that. Muliply times I have discussed my issues with therepists and my parents. Talking doesn't help much anymore either. I think now no matter what happens. I am going to end up in a grave. Some people are going to think this is about a boy. But it's not. It's deeper than that. It is like a razor buried deep in my skin trying to cut open to just scream at people. Normal people don't understand!! They think that I am fine but I am not.
I FEEL LIKE PUNCHING MY DAD, STEP-MOM, SISTERS, WHORES AT MY SCHOOL & ANYONE ELSE WHO LIKE TO GET IN MY WAY!!!!
This world would be a lot better place without over dramtic people like the girls at my school or my father. It would makes the world better if everyone just stup up and quit talking so much. I am the talk of the school because of a boy. And I get called a slut because I like him?? If I could push certain people of this planet I would. I wish people would just leave me alone.
I try not to listen to what people say but sometimes it becomes to much. It over comes my own thoughts and than it becomes to much to listen to.
My little sister who can be the biggest little brat there is, also likes to be one of those people. She won't shut up. Its Me this and Me that. If I had a dollar for everytime I want to hit her, I'd be rich. Just saying. She wants to keep up her attuitude that fine, I will knock it right out of her.
I am logging off now. Bye
-The pissed!
I am also pissed at the world because no one understands that the pain is seeping even futher and it isn't getting any better. I am just about to blow again. Tears begin to roll down my cheek and I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. It has gotton better. I have kept everything inside. I still do. No one wants to hear what I have to say. No one cares. People have it in their thick heads you talk about it. Your fine. But NO. It doesn't go like that. Muliply times I have discussed my issues with therepists and my parents. Talking doesn't help much anymore either. I think now no matter what happens. I am going to end up in a grave. Some people are going to think this is about a boy. But it's not. It's deeper than that. It is like a razor buried deep in my skin trying to cut open to just scream at people. Normal people don't understand!! They think that I am fine but I am not.
I FEEL LIKE PUNCHING MY DAD, STEP-MOM, SISTERS, WHORES AT MY SCHOOL & ANYONE ELSE WHO LIKE TO GET IN MY WAY!!!!
This world would be a lot better place without over dramtic people like the girls at my school or my father. It would makes the world better if everyone just stup up and quit talking so much. I am the talk of the school because of a boy. And I get called a slut because I like him?? If I could push certain people of this planet I would. I wish people would just leave me alone.
I try not to listen to what people say but sometimes it becomes to much. It over comes my own thoughts and than it becomes to much to listen to.
My little sister who can be the biggest little brat there is, also likes to be one of those people. She won't shut up. Its Me this and Me that. If I had a dollar for everytime I want to hit her, I'd be rich. Just saying. She wants to keep up her attuitude that fine, I will knock it right out of her.
I am logging off now. Bye
-The pissed!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Life is Great!
The past two weeks life has been great! Everything has fallen into place. I have been busy and just everywhere lately. Tonight I decided to sit down and write for a while. There have been a lot of things that have crossed my mind lately.
The other day I woke up late. Luckily my dad texted me good morning. Than my friend Hunter. But I sat there thinking. What is the point of holding the grudge against my dad? I know I was mad at him. He makes me mad talking to him. I just need to learn patience. I know I don't have any when it comes down to that. I think I feel like I could talk to me and than it's like no, I can't. I feel bad for not talking to him. I just wish things were different. He isn't a bad guy. He has a good side when he isn't mad. I just get so frustrated because he kicked me out and now wants a relationship with me. I just have a hard time dealing with it.
One thing I am learning in Life Groups is the fruit if the spirit. There are 9 of them.
*Love
*Joy
*Peace
*Patience
*Kindness
*Goodness
*Faithfulness
*Gentleness
*Self- Control
I have lots of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. I lack patience and self-control. A lot of it it to. I get mad to easily and sometimes it results in injuring somebody. Patience is my weakest point because I get impatient for something and it makes me mad. I get jealous and I get selfish. A lot. I have good points and bad. I am glad I can point out my weakest points and began working on them.
Well thanks guys for reading. Love you all!(:
The other day I woke up late. Luckily my dad texted me good morning. Than my friend Hunter. But I sat there thinking. What is the point of holding the grudge against my dad? I know I was mad at him. He makes me mad talking to him. I just need to learn patience. I know I don't have any when it comes down to that. I think I feel like I could talk to me and than it's like no, I can't. I feel bad for not talking to him. I just wish things were different. He isn't a bad guy. He has a good side when he isn't mad. I just get so frustrated because he kicked me out and now wants a relationship with me. I just have a hard time dealing with it.
One thing I am learning in Life Groups is the fruit if the spirit. There are 9 of them.
*Love
*Joy
*Peace
*Patience
*Kindness
*Goodness
*Faithfulness
*Gentleness
*Self- Control
I have lots of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. I lack patience and self-control. A lot of it it to. I get mad to easily and sometimes it results in injuring somebody. Patience is my weakest point because I get impatient for something and it makes me mad. I get jealous and I get selfish. A lot. I have good points and bad. I am glad I can point out my weakest points and began working on them.
Well thanks guys for reading. Love you all!(:
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Given Not Taken
I have been listening to this new band. Though their music is mainly about sex they have a few good songs. They are always willing to help their fans. Last night there was a post from them giving a number saying how they didn't want to lose another fan to self harm. It was amazing to really read that. This band is called Blood On The Dance Floor. Amazing guys.
It made me really think about all the self harm I did. I really want to help others out there like Demi Lovato, Pete Wentz, myself and others. There is so much to teach others in coping and healing and I think the way to start really is Love. Knowing that God loves you.
I was real down in the dumps after my dad kicked me out. I honestly didn't believe in God. I thought He was not real. Then I begin a bible study. I learned that I was never abandon and that I am loved. I am still learning how to forgive. Mom says it is time but it takes time forgive. She doesn't need to be telling me it's time to forgive. Because it took her well over a year to heal. I will forgive my dad. I just need to be away from him.
Healing really starts with knowing God loves you. It is better to have that understanding. You are never abandon and you are never alone. Never hide what's going on inside. Speak up before commit self- harm! Not only are you giving up but your giving up on bands like Blood on The Dance Floor who really look out for their fans.
"Love never fails!" 1 Corinthins 13:8
It truely doesn't. God gave us one life to live for Him!
It made me really think about all the self harm I did. I really want to help others out there like Demi Lovato, Pete Wentz, myself and others. There is so much to teach others in coping and healing and I think the way to start really is Love. Knowing that God loves you.
I was real down in the dumps after my dad kicked me out. I honestly didn't believe in God. I thought He was not real. Then I begin a bible study. I learned that I was never abandon and that I am loved. I am still learning how to forgive. Mom says it is time but it takes time forgive. She doesn't need to be telling me it's time to forgive. Because it took her well over a year to heal. I will forgive my dad. I just need to be away from him.
Healing really starts with knowing God loves you. It is better to have that understanding. You are never abandon and you are never alone. Never hide what's going on inside. Speak up before commit self- harm! Not only are you giving up but your giving up on bands like Blood on The Dance Floor who really look out for their fans.
"Love never fails!" 1 Corinthins 13:8
It truely doesn't. God gave us one life to live for Him!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Tough Days
Everyone has been so up tight the last past couple of days. Everyone's mad at eachother. I can't help but feel a little unwanted and unloved again. It seems like no matter where I go this feeling likes to return. I feel it everywhere I go. Maybe it's naturally in me. I can't help but on a daily bases think, damn that knife is sharp but I can't get caught. I can't go back. I just want to cut and I want to feel something different form the same old pain. I don't want to keep the same old show going on. I just can't keep holding on any longer. I haven't felt happy since I was young. I am aiming for happiness but I always fall way to short. I have felt like dying for some time and I still think about death to ease my sleep.
My mom seems to hold most of it. I don't know whats going on. I just can't stop the feeling from coming back over and over again. I am so close to the deep end. I feel like jumping in water and just letting it take me over. I can't keep living this way. I just can't. I can't keep fighting my depression. I feel like just letting it win. There is no end to this black hole. I hate to say it but I feel it winning. I just can't stop the walk towards the edge. I can't keep this up. My heart had been torn to pieces by all my loved ones. I am ending it here for now with this topic.
Please pray for my mom and her surgrey. And bring her piece and happiness. I am out ya'll! Later.
-The Broken Hearted
My mom seems to hold most of it. I don't know whats going on. I just can't stop the feeling from coming back over and over again. I am so close to the deep end. I feel like jumping in water and just letting it take me over. I can't keep living this way. I just can't. I can't keep fighting my depression. I feel like just letting it win. There is no end to this black hole. I hate to say it but I feel it winning. I just can't stop the walk towards the edge. I can't keep this up. My heart had been torn to pieces by all my loved ones. I am ending it here for now with this topic.
Please pray for my mom and her surgrey. And bring her piece and happiness. I am out ya'll! Later.
-The Broken Hearted
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