I really don't know what to put here!

So the last couple of weeks. Um, well, lets see. Just last week could have enough drama to last me a lifetime! Let's start with last Sunday and go from there....

Sunday: So the morning started off as any normal day. I woke up and started getting ready for church. Then I receive a beautiful phone call from my cousins. And they started blaming me for talking crap about them which if a funny old story about a life lesson is talking bad about them even though all of us were in it is talking crap about them then I don't know what is. I call my aunt only to hear her yell at me and put me down. Then she calls my mom and puts me down on the phone with my mom. Like seriously? I don't say anything about you but you turn around and say hateful things about me?!?!?! How hypocritical can you get? So I didn't talk to them for the rest of the day.

Monday: I was sick and was fighting with my school to excuse me... And that's about it there.

Tuesday: Okay, now Tuesday was a bunch of bull-crap. My school didn't excuse me.... And the I was blamed for calling the cops on some sorry idiot who is so depressed that he probably deserved it. You know who you are. And because the little child who accused me, wouldn't leave me alone about it, I got mad. That's acceptable? I confront the person who was "supposedly" pointed the finger in my direction, lied to me, it caused a fight between this one little girl. Okay, first off, she was "supposedly" my "best friend", she starts talking crap about me to my best friends. My friends know, let me handle my own problems, and they told me, they don't have to defend me. She just wouldn't stop. She pushed. Welp, my mom put her in her place. Thank you, Mom! Anyways, she and her little boy toy have left me alone about their little mess. And then my mom's grandma died. Rest in Peace Great Grandma Faunce even if I didn't know you.

Wednesday: The little girl is being all sweet and kind. Can I slap her now? Someone please? And, then school got tough because of the AP classes I'm taking which took forever to finish.

Thursday: I'm trying to complete a art piece for an art show. And that was a lot to do. I'm working to keep my grades up. And everything is stressful because I've been emotional, lonely and everything a normal teenager feels....

Friday: Let's skip this day because I came home and cried for a little bit.

SATURDAY: ART SHOW!! Okay that was a lot of fun even though my nerves were about to give me a heart attack! So doing it next year! :D And, I came home and chilled with one of my best friends and we talked and watched American Horror story.

All I can say is this next week will be emotional for me. It's the anniversary of my friend's death. It's been one year. I need to start blogging more but I'm tumblr more then I am here so I might just post a link to that. I'm more of a teenager on there then here. I'm so tired of little girl's and drama. It's been to crazy of a week. Anyways that's an update on my week. I needed to blog about it. Alright, well everyone have a good day or night and I'll post here soon! Goodnight! xoxox

My Testimony: It gets better!

Here's my testimony:

My name is Dakota and I'm 17 years old. And this is my story on how I overcame my depression and anger issues. When I was about 7 I moved to Vernon,Texas. I can remember that year I learned that boys didn't really have cooties and what sex really was. I was pinned down by a group of boys and they forced another boy to try to kiss me but then one of them went to their mom and started nasty rumors about my family. Well my social life in elementary was screwed after I turned like 8 or 9 after that. I moved to a place outside of Electra. It was in the middle of no where and that began the phase of being bullied. Now my family always seemed prefect, but in reality, my parents never talked, my dad was a drunk, my mom was so cyber fantasized with her world, that I sorta raised my sister from that point on. Eventually I became home schooled until my parents became divorced. That's where our little story takes place. My fear,anger,pain, resentment, all came on November 19, 2010. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was still home schooled and my mom left my dad with a rush of fear. I did have a boyfriend at the time for like two years. He's mom became a little too obsessed with me.Well, we stayed with his family for a while and then the kicked us out. My aunt came and saved us when they kicked us out. I began to grow cold. I had questions so many why questions. On February 2, 2011, I went to court with my parents. I told the judge I wanted to live with my mom and he said I would live with my dad. I cussed that judge out that night. I made him regret things that night. I didn't want to live with my dad. He was a drunk and already found a new women. She is called the step monster and will be throughout the entire story. I started public school the week after I was forced to live with my dad. I had hardly no friends in 7th grade. All the girls hated me and one friend was about to graduate. I'm still friends with him till this day and I consider him my best friend. His name is Tyler. The creator of this page. There was a week that I went to the a hospital because CPS found out that I tried to commit suicide. I was depressed. So I was there. That summer I began fighting with my mom and cutting. It was absolutely terrible. My therapist caught the cuts and had a lot to say. When my 8th grade year began I did everything possible to try and fit in. I made a group of friends and everything seemed okay until my health started to suck. I was on Zoloft and it had some long term symptoms. My health wasn't so great. I was always lightheaded and I wasn't eating a lot anymore. I was taken of Zoloft and the cutting stop with it. Just because the medication seemed to help my mood, I felt absolutely nothing. I was emotionally numb. After I was off the medicine for awhile, things weren't so bad. I mended up the relationship with my mom the summer after my 8th grade year. My freshmen year in high school started going to crap. My friends were leaving and I wanted to live with my mom. In January of 2012 I moved in with my mom. I was angry at my dad and I was hurt by his actions. I went to school with 3,500 other students when I moved with my mom. In March of that year I met a boy. And I liked this boy a lot. He turned my entire world upside down. I would have died for this boy. Then he cheated and we broke up constantly. I wanted to die after this point. I hated everything about myself because of him. I though I should have been more prettier, more skinny, etc. I was wrong. I learned my worth at a church camp and a mission trip during the summer after freshmen year. My mom and her boyfriend moved to another apartment that same year. I started another with almost 4,000 students. I was depressed at that school at the beginning because I didn't know anyone and no one wanted anything to do with a lost and confused girl. But I did met amazing people later on. They helped me through a lot. At the beginning of 2013, God took away 6 amazing people. In between all of that, I found myself depressed. I was really just done with the world and I thought I could take my life. So I tried choking myself. I wimped out. I was taken to a hospital but I was never admitted. That was in March. After school ended I went to Montana on a mission trip with friends and I found love for people and friends. I began to realize that life is going to knock me down and I just have to shake it off and keep going. It's never going to be easy. But it has been better for me. And I know if it's better for me. Then I know it's better for you. Keep fighting and know your worth. And know that even if you feel like no one loves you, I do even if I don't know you. Live life and enjoy it!

Here's to the Guys!

I read this article about the battle young men and even older men in general are facing. It explains how men every where are facing a battle of temptation. And the more I read different articles and talk to different people about this battle I realize so much more about guys.

I once went to a all girls bible study.And what I am about to say comes from a guys point of view and are all anonymous. These are some of the things I heard that stood out to me and for the young women reading this, it some tips for you.

•  One of the young men said everyday going to school that he battles with temptation when he see's a girls outfit. He once said that he had seen a young women's stomach that he was fighting the thought of undressing her with his eyes. He is constantly always looking away and trying to keep his thoughts pure.
• Other young men were saying that that even a peek of a unseen skin leads them to dark thoughts.
• Most guys want to truly like a women's personality but it's so hard with the way women are dressing bow days. Examples are: booty shorts, crop tops, tight mini skirt,tight dresses, etc. You know the kind of outfits. We see them all the time. 
• Porn and the way women are exposed give even more temptation. It devalues women everywhere and so then men devalue women.

Thank you gentlemen for pushing through this battle. It's been tough. And I promise you, IT WILL PAY OFF! Keep fighting! I know it's hard but please don't give up.

Now this is my message to young girls every where. 

WE CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME BECAUSE THEY WANT SEX OR WHATEVER, YET WE DRESS THE PART!

I understand it is hard to not want the cutest look or the new style that just came out. But would it be worth it to degrade ourselves as women? NO! It's simply not. So lets cut to the point. If we want men to treat us better and look at us better then we need to start acting like the women we are called to be by God. I know that temptation is hard and it's a battle, but we have to turn it around. We need to be the proverbs 31 women we have been called to be. It's going to be a harder battle. But we need to make the battle easier for men too. 

So this is my rant. And I do apologize for not being active and I promise you I will be back a lot more. Okay I'll try. I'll talk to you here soon! Bye! 

My Current State of Mind

I'm not psycho, I can promise you this, but I am crazy. Just a tad. These past several months have been just crazy. I can't even begin to tell you the trials that I have faced. And trust me its not over yet.
February was pretty crazy losing some good friends. God, take care of them. In March I lost a few more. And that's when I spiraled out of control. Sometimes life is just to much for me to bear. And that time period I was so close to the edge again. April and May were just my "I really don't care about you and your stupid life. I have my own to deal with, asshole" months. June came and that was actually really fun. I had a blast with some friends, my heart kind of changed my way of thinking and I became a little kinder to people. But I wasn't complete better until I decided to make the courageous decision to get on a plane with a bunch of crazy teenagers to Montana. I think that was the trip that changed me the most. We had some amazing leaders and amazing people on that trip! Montana was too beautiful! It was amazing and I miss it so much. It was probably the best trip I've ever had! I laughed and I learned to love. I still don't like most people but I've learned to love them even when they can be complete morons.
  But what I really felt like talking about was what's happening tonight. Because honestly I'm so tired of crying of this bullshit. Sometimes fighting over everything is pointless and that's what this person is doing. I don't normally post shit about people but I need to vent were people will hear me.
  Every time I turn around, she argues about every little thing. Then thinks its okay five minutes later when I am already mad. YOU DON'T DO THAT! LIKE EVER! I mean come on. Don't sit there and argue about your new school or clothes, OR ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND! It's pathetic. And then get mad when I decide to walk away and fight even more. Or when I do get mad and argue back. I can't win with you! Just stop it doesn't work anymore. You cry and complain when I don't talk to you but push me away when I try too. I'm sorry, Sweetie, it doesn't work that way anymore.
  Sorry for unleashing all of this on you guys but it's something that bothers me. Just saying. But ya'll have a great and beautiful evening/morning/day/night! Love you guys!

Make a Trial into Triumph!

Next in my little speech is turning a trial into triumph. And just like turning a test into a testimony. Even through it may be hard doing so. Life gets hard and even when it does our faith goes to God.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace" -Ephesians 1:7
We all have a trial that we are put through. God puts us through these things to test our strength, faith, and love. And I will show you how importance these things are.

Faith-belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings.
What does it mean to have faith? Well to me, it means to put your faith in the hands of God. And that can be hard. But just do it! Like Nike! :)

Strength- a moral power or courage.
Being strong? That's when prayer comes in. Pray and keep praying! It's hard but not that impossible! So have faith and pray. He will give you comfort during your trial.

And finally!!

Love- a deep burning emotion that shows affection.
In everything I do and in everything that has happened. I have learned that you're going to need people who love you around. And when they show you love. You learn love and then nothing is impossible. But the love of a savior is the best thing to have. And if you don't have a savior well, pray for Jesus to come into you're heart. Just comment on this and I will give you more details.


Well everyone! Hope to be back soon! Love you guys! Have a good night or day!

Love Song for A Savior by Jars of Clay :)

Turning a Test into a Testimony 1

Hey guys!

So I am starting a 3 part series. And this is the first part of the first one.  I will included a little bit of my testimony in this series but also on how to get there. This is my opinion on it and you don't have to agree. You can think whatever. And I am sorry for the fact that I haven't posted in a long time. I keep wanting to write but I can't seem to do it. So I am really sorry.

So how do you turn a test into a testimony? That's a interesting question. And I am glad I can find a way to give you my opinion. Now I wa t to say if you get offended, please understand this isn't to offend anyone.  So now I began my series!

Biblically speaking a test is a hardship you go through so God can show you He there. Many of times I have a gone through variest tests that God has given m. I'm stilll learning. A lot of the times I refuse to listen but I do get on my knees when things reach the boiling point. Times will rough. You just have to pray and know that God will be there. And that's just one way you can create your testimony.
This doesn't mean take a test at school and be like oh I have a testimony. If I find out you did that, I might throw THE book your way! Like that is stupid. I know a lot of my church friends actually do pray before their tests. And thats fine but taking a test won't give you a testimony. Maybe a joke but it will not get taken seriously.
  When I was 14 to  15, I did go through a hardship. And I know they don't like the fact I know a lot about thier relationship problems but my step mom and my daddy fought a lot. One night the cops were called on them. But I would always get dragged into the fighting. Mainly by her. Ever since I lived with my mom, I learned that I should not take sides and I created my own opinions about things. I actually choose to bash my dad. But in all honesty I was just trying to get rid of her. I hate her and I don't like anything she does know. But during my time being, I tried my best to distracted by playing sports, involing myself with my friends. The fighting between the two was really rough. And my sister was depressed. I couldn't stand to be in the shoes I was wearing. I was depressed and unhappy. I was fighting. I saw my rights. I knew I had to get out. During that time, I strated praying and praying. Nothing changed. Nothing happened. I began to doubt, which is the biggest mistake in the entire world. Little did I know, that when I fought back against my dad and my dad kicked me out. God did answer my pray. Yet I realized that a little too late. Like 6 months after words. But little did I know that test, became a huge detail in my testimony. Which is large, knowing the fact that I have been through a lot. And praying is a huge deal in order to make your test turn into a testimony. But thank you God for that! I give you so much praise!!!

So I hope you enjoyed this. I will be back for the second part in this small series! Love you, guys! Sorry for not keeping updated!! 


-Christian Girl :)

My Days....

I've been busy with school and work, so it's been hard to keep up with this. Well anyways, I don't have an job now. I will go into more details with that later on. And school. I hate it. To much crap that goes on with it. I have noticed  that I have become more anti-social and I like it that way.

 So a couple weeks back I found out my grades were good but not college good. Like I almost failed a couple of my classes. I was greatful I have some awesome teachers who helped me out with that! :D But with that being said my job had to go bye bye. I am really greatful for leaving it. The boss was unbearable sometimes. Even though I don't work there anymore, she is always on my case about being happy. She gets into my bussiness a little too much. Okay, wayyyy to much. But I decided to work on my grades and I am greatful for that.

During my Christmas break, I didn't talk to many people. And I actually felt pretty good. I hate big crowds and my phone stayed on the charger for most of the break. With that being said, I stopped wanting a relationship with a guy. Whats the point if, I know I am young and it will come on it's own. Sigh, life is crazy now. :(

But there is just an update. Hope ya'll enjoy! Adios!

Orphan Sunday

Most people are going to disagree with me on this one, but I have a good reason for this. Orphan Sunday, the day churches show people who orphans and adoption is all about. I disagree with this day on veriest levels of today's society. Starting with the top three reasons with why I hate adoption.

• Adoption is a very corrupt and dark thing. It works for some kids and people but if you think about, children from other countries are stolen, we pay for children, and some adoption agency's like to take kids from perfectly fit mothers. Adoption is not a very good thing. I won't start with religion here.
• Adoptees get pissed real easy. Most states don't allow access to birth certificates, medical history or any background information to the adoptees.
• And last adoption makes money and it isn't right. For a kid here in the U.S, no one wants them or they are cheap. Kids from other countries, well most people want them because they are from another country.

Most of you are going to think she doesn't know what she is talking about. Well sadly I do. I grew up with my mom searching for her mom and her true self. I also have a lot of friends from my mom who are adopted and have been fighting for open access for their rights as adoptees to have their information. (second bulliten)

 Now on to the religous portion of adoption. God calls us to help orphans and widows. As Christians, are we really doing that? Sure some churches have adoption agencys that put kids into good Christian homes but that is not how God intented it to be, is it? Nope. Not at all. If a mother dies or gives up her kid we should be able to sign some papers and the kid is in the new home but no. WE HAVE TO PAY FOR THE DANG KID!  I'm sorry, God never intented it to be this way. Adoption is not bibe based. Sorry to break the news to you. This is one topic that pisses me off and I needed to vent about it.

Most of my church friends are going to not like this and call me crazy but I'm serious this isn't right and no one is going to understand if they don't know the damn facts. I am tired of arguing with damn people who think I am wrong when the way things are now prove it wrong.

One thing that started this rampage is my bible study teacher disagrees with me not going tomorrow. I am liable to walk out of that dang service or stand up and yell "Bull s***" Because bible verses what these people think is right. Want me to preach, I can do it all night long and still leave upset. I am very short tempered person, I have been able to control it but I am dead serious when this happens. I am done for the night! Thanks guys!

-Jesus Freak

Dear......,

It's been awhile since we talked and I can't say I miss you but you touched my heart with your cruel words.
The 4 words I knew you never meant but affected me deeply.
You won't understand what I did because no one cares enough to pull a move like I did.
My heart is intertwined with Jesus & God.
You can't fix anything except try and heal with Jesus & God in your heart.
I saved your life from something worse.
And though you will never talk to me, I hope you come across this and know that I do care and that my intentions were never to hurt but to help you!
Yes, I love you.
No, I do not want another relationship with because I would be crazy.
I will miss our friendship.
I put it at risk.
One day you will thank me.
One day you will find me
But you won't know what to say unless you change.
I can't say much except, take care of yourself.
Learn to pray.
Learn to TRULY love!
Give your heart to Jesus.
Fall in love with natural beauty around you.
And most importantly, never, NEVER forget where you came from!
Goodbye old friend, forever!
May God take care of you!

Love,
Your very caring Ex- girlfriend!

The Voice of Others!

I read the acticle of Amanda Todd's suicide. And it really got me to thinking. Society isn't all that is cracked up to be. We think eachone of us are fine and really were not. Some people deal with emotions so unspeakable of and it accumulates even more and more. I am working on a way to stop this but so far all I have is this blog. If you need to talk to someone, go to a local church.
  Amanda went through some really hard stuff. It's hard to go through that and know that you might not ever be the same. I know I did. But I don't think she found God because in all of her story, their is not one thing about God and church. I really wish I would have been able to message her and reach out to her. But I know that God is calling me to help set up a suicide prevention and counseling or peer support group in my community.
  I have an amazing church group that is willing to help me get it started. I do need to talk to someone else before this ever gets started. And I know what I want and what I need to do.
 I have some current homework and church bible stuff to finish (that I really haven't even started). So I will come back here soon and give ya'll another topic to talk about.
 But I am going to boost everyones confidence levels because I love making people feel great about themselves! Even if I say I don't like people.

YOU are beautiful, GOD Created YOU to be beautiful! YOU were design to LOVE GOD and serve HIM! GOD made You and HE LOVES YOU very much! Like you have no idea.
























Like not even this much.
























Or this much!
























It's like way beyond this!



























I'm going to start annoying people if I keep this up but yes God loves you and I hope you know your very beautiful! So pray and be beautiful! Thanks Everyone!


-The Christian Girl <3

She's back!

Hey guys,

It's been awhile since I last posted and I am going to explain to why. I'm sorry if I have lost a lot of my readers but I am back now. Hopefully I can gain ya'll back. And even get more.
  Back in Late April, my family went through a finical cut. We lost our internet and phones. It's been awile since we could get it back but we finally have. In that amazing time, I refoucused with God. I changed everything in my life.
   In june I went to a mindblowing, heart- changing, bring you to your knees, church camp. Here is the things talked about and what happened.

Day 1- Truth (arrival)
  I learned God was the truth of life. But I still wasn't full convinced again. We got there and unpacked. Made a awesome flag and everything. The end of that night we talked and had an amazing game night.

Day 2- Repentance
I was brought to my knees that night. Things had a changing point. It all sunk in. We had REC and dominated! (not very christian like but still) I had a awesome day and went swiming that night! Hunger game night!

Day 3- Dependence
I learned that I need to stop being so dang independent and let God have it. I got hit in the face that day. Kinda seems fair I guess. REC was crazy that day! Cowboys Vs. Alien Dance

Day 4- Unity
I learned to Unite as one with Christ! And my chirstian brother and sisters! Today was the last day! I was sad. But it was an amazing week.

Day 5-
We went back home! I loved all the friends I had made.

3 weeks after camp, I moved. I am still living with my mom and her boyfriend. I am in FFA and my art has became so much better. After the move I went to mission trip. Kanas City! An amazing week!

Day 1- I hate planes. I was on my first plane.. But I loved the clouds and seeing people smaller than me! We talked about VBS and I had so much fun!

Day 2- We went to a church and helped a feild day thing for kids and watched a rap group from hope city play! They were pretty great!

Day 3- We went to church and set up again for VBS and Than had VBS

Day 4- We went to the church and painted a house. We than went to VBS and had so much fun with kids.

Day 5- Last Day of VBS and we finsihed painting and cleaning the church up.

Day 6- We went swimming with the kids and than had a wedesnday night bible time with kids and some guy got a mohawk.

Day 7- Went shopping and went to a waterpark. We got rained out and went back to clean the dorms.

Day 8- We flew back home. I didn't want to leave either!

And now school and life groups have started and life is amazing. things have been worked out between my dad and step mom and me! Well I am getting off here! Bye guys!

Boys

Recently, my bestfriend has devopled a crush but to him he thinks I like him back. I have sent a very clear message that I am not. He says he understands but than tells my bestfriend Kay that I like him. Well now that is just enough to make anyone mad.

Another thing he is doing is he has become very over-protective and clingy towards Kay and I. None of my friends want to hang around me with him around. He threatens my friends and my family. He will not stop. He is also a touchy feely guy. He likes to wrap his arms around me and I don't like it. I am not a touchy person with my guy friends. It gives the message that I am leading them on and I want something more than with them. That's why I am like that. I have repeatedly told him to stop. I don't like it. He continues on.

Yesterday, I went to church and invaded my church space. I feel the most safe at church. He was rude and kinda even demanding. No one was mad at him at the time. Things got worse. And they continue to progress. I was suppose to got to a movie and a concert. I don't want to go now. I have talked to his mom and she knows why.

Things calm down with my ex than turn around and get worse with my bestfriend. I am stressing out now. I feel so empty again. And I am fixing to go nuts again. Thats it for now. Bye!

-Her <3

Everything from being away!

Where do I even begin?? Um yeah.. Where have I been the past couple of months? Well I have been with a boy. And I was so involved with him I stopped writing. I got out of life groups and I changed as a person. I became a person with an attitude, bad behavior, tempted into sex amny different times and so much more. I let myself go. I stopped believing in the good Lord. I allowed this boy to affect me in a way that should have never happened. Nothing was important to me. Woo does high school really screw things up. And than I went to a church Kamp and it changed me back and did even more changing spiritually.

I realized that when I went to this Kamp thing that I needed to forgive my dad, my mom, and everyone else who has ever hurt me or did me wrong. I realized how I abondoned my relationship with God. Everything changed for me. I changed from a depressed, angry, punk of a teen to a teenager with her heart set on God. I am finally stronger. I am letting go offmy ex but it is taking its time. I am hurt by him and his words. I am hurt by treatment towards me. It wasn't meant to be and I know that.

I lost my phone and internet so I am currently writing this earlier than it shall be posted. I have my laptop but my parents have paid the billed. I am also thinking of creating a bible study website so I will post all of that when I am ready and I will have an email to were I can give advice for people on it. I might have a co-author on it. If she wants to help, I might have me a partner. I will also create a facebook page for this. I am working on the name and stuff still but this is all a thought process.

I cannot say how thankful I am for all of you guys! For supporting me and helping me throughout this process. Ya'll have a blessed day/night! Goodnight!!!

-The Strong <3

Blackmill

An amazing guy who is awesome who does not need lyrics to most of his music has an amazing fan. I haven't been able to sleep for some weeks and I listened to Blackmill to help me. His music is a melodic dupstep. A very unique talent this is. Several of his songs are downright amazing. His music gives you peace and sereinty through a life time of pain..

This is Evil Beauty.. The pictures are amazing and his beats are amazing. I would be the one to put him up for a music award and much more. I wonder if he would let me interveiw him. It would be amazing to talk to such an amazing artist.

The truth of everyone.. The Lucid Truth.. Thanks guys for supporting me.. I don't get on as much as I use to but I wanted something different. The blog will be undergoing a new name and a new change here soon/ Thanks!

Decisons and Tears

 I have always grown up around animals.. I have seen come along and I have seen them go. I recieved news today coming home from school that my dog has supposely attacked nad killed 3 kittens. I don't believe. My dad won't put the dog down but I am afraid that if shie goes anywhere she will be put down. I have the choice to either have her put down or give her up. Though I don't want to, I have 3 choices, put her down, give her to the shelter, and give her to someone who might take her. I love my baby girl so much and I just can't take losing her. Living with that torment again would leave me depress..
 The sad thing is, I don't get to say goodbye. All I can do is cry. They seem to be pouring.. It seems like no matter where I go or what I do. Nothing goes right. I will be depressed for the next couple of days and I am fine by that. I need some time to my thought. I need some time to think. I need to be by myself. Alone.
Away from the world.
 My mom might think something else but I just want to be alone. I need to feel something besides the fact that I am angry. I laugh everyday and I love my friends but I need to just think. The world needs a break from me and I need a break from the world. So sleeping and crying help me get it out. Tonight I am shutting off my phone and listening to music. I will eat maybe but I might just write. Write that I am still depressed and thats okay. I can write poetry. I can yell and scream. Not trying to be anymore than myself inside. Just releasing and letting it flow.
 I am no longer mad at my dad. I have forgiven him somewhat. My objective now is letting go. Letting go and burning all the bridges to my past. That's all I can do.
 I pray that ya'll don't have a crappy day like me. God bless you all!

Emo much??

I love how everyone honestly thinks I am happy. I am not.I get pissed and still get depressed. I feel like crying right now. All I know is I have been cut deep and it is still pouring. I can't be happy when I feel like healing doesn't even exist.  I actually feel like cutting myself. You think my mom could handle that. Now all she thinks is putting me in a mental hospital will help. Ha, no it won't. They don't shit there. I would know. I have been there. They give you medicene and think well your happy now leave. No it doesn't go like that.
 I am also pissed at the world because no one understands that the pain is seeping even futher and it isn't getting any better. I am just about to blow again. Tears begin to roll down my cheek and I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. It has gotton better. I have kept everything inside. I still do. No one wants to hear what I have to say. No one cares. People have it in their thick heads you talk about it. Your fine. But NO. It doesn't go like that. Muliply times I have discussed my issues with therepists and my parents. Talking doesn't help much anymore either. I think now no matter what happens. I am going to end up in a grave. Some people are going to think this is about a boy. But it's not. It's deeper than that. It is like a razor buried deep in my skin trying to cut open to just scream at people. Normal people don't understand!! They think that I am fine but I am not.

 I FEEL LIKE PUNCHING MY DAD, STEP-MOM, SISTERS, WHORES AT MY SCHOOL & ANYONE ELSE WHO LIKE TO GET IN MY WAY!!!!

This world would be a lot better place without over dramtic people like the girls at my school or my father. It would makes the world better if everyone just stup up and quit talking so much. I am the talk of the school because of a boy. And I get called a slut because I like him?? If I could push certain people of this planet I would. I wish people would just leave me alone.
  I try not to listen to what people say but sometimes it becomes to much. It over comes my own thoughts and than it becomes to much to listen to.
 My little sister who can be the biggest little brat there is, also likes to be one of those people. She won't shut up. Its Me this and Me that. If I had a dollar for everytime I want to hit her, I'd be rich. Just saying. She wants to keep up her attuitude that fine, I will knock it right out of her.
I am logging off now. Bye

-The pissed!

Life is Great!

The past two weeks life has been great! Everything has fallen into place. I have been busy and just everywhere lately. Tonight I decided to sit down and write for a while. There have been a lot of things that have crossed my mind lately.
  The other day I woke up late. Luckily my dad texted me good morning. Than my friend Hunter. But I sat there thinking. What is the point of holding the grudge against my dad? I know I was mad at him. He makes me mad talking to him. I just need to learn patience. I know I don't have any when it comes down to that. I think I feel like I could talk to me and than it's like no, I can't. I feel bad for not talking to him. I just wish things were different. He isn't a bad guy. He has a good side when he isn't mad. I just get so frustrated because he kicked me out and now wants a relationship with me. I just have a hard time dealing with it.
 One thing I am learning in Life Groups is the fruit if the spirit. There are 9 of them.

*Love
*Joy
*Peace
*Patience
*Kindness
*Goodness
*Faithfulness
*Gentleness
*Self- Control

I have lots of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. I lack patience and self-control. A lot of it it to. I get mad to easily and sometimes it results in injuring somebody. Patience is my weakest point because I get impatient for something and it makes me mad. I get jealous and I get selfish. A lot. I have good points and bad. I am glad I can point out my weakest points and began working on them.
 Well thanks guys for reading. Love you all!(:

Given Not Taken

I have been listening to this new band. Though their music is mainly about sex they have a few good songs. They are always willing to help their fans. Last night there was a post from them giving a number saying how they didn't want to lose another fan to self harm. It was amazing to really read that. This band is called Blood On The Dance Floor. Amazing guys.
 It made me really think about all the self harm I did. I really want to help others out there like Demi Lovato, Pete Wentz, myself and others. There is so much to teach others in coping and healing and I think the way to start really is Love. Knowing that God loves you.
 I was real down in the dumps after my dad kicked me out. I honestly didn't believe in God. I thought He was not real. Then I begin a bible study. I learned that I was never abandon and that I am loved. I am still learning how to forgive. Mom says it is time but it takes time forgive. She doesn't need to be telling me it's time to forgive. Because it took her well over a year to heal. I will forgive my dad. I just need to be away from him.
 Healing really starts with knowing God loves you. It is better to have that understanding.  You are never abandon and you are never alone. Never hide what's going on inside. Speak up before commit self- harm! Not only are you giving up but your giving up on bands like Blood on The Dance Floor who really look out for their fans.

"Love never fails!" 1 Corinthins 13:8
It truely doesn't. God gave us one life to live for Him!

Tough Days

Everyone has been so up tight the last past couple of days. Everyone's mad at eachother. I can't help but feel a little unwanted and unloved again. It seems like no matter where I go this feeling likes to return. I feel it everywhere I go. Maybe it's naturally in me. I can't help but on a daily bases think, damn that knife is sharp but I can't get caught. I can't go back. I just want to cut and I want to feel something different form the same old pain. I don't want to keep the same old show going on. I just can't keep holding on any longer. I haven't felt happy since I was young. I am aiming for happiness but I always fall way to short. I have felt like dying for some time and I still think about death to ease my sleep.
  My mom seems to hold most of it. I don't know whats going on. I just can't stop the feeling from coming back over and over again. I am so close to the deep end. I feel like jumping in water and just letting it take me over. I can't keep living this way. I just can't. I can't keep fighting my depression. I feel like just letting it win. There is no end to this black hole. I hate to say it but I feel it winning. I just can't stop the walk towards the edge. I can't keep this up. My heart had been torn to pieces by all my loved ones.  I am ending it here for now with this topic.

Please pray for my mom and her surgrey. And bring her piece and happiness. I am out ya'll! Later.

-The Broken Hearted

Sunday Fun

  Today was great. The church had a a care for the town and I got stuck staining benches. It was really fun, it just my hands and I ruined my favorite pair of jeans. It was a really fun day. I will go ahead and start the please prayer.

My cousin Ry-Ry: She went to the hospital yesterday and has been in the E.R all day. She is only 3 years old and is precious to me.
My friend David in his healing process. He has been terrbibly hurt. He has tried to commit suicide and just needs some healing. Please pray for him on that journey.
My mom in her surgrey next week. She is going to a lot of prayers.
And I think that's it. All I can think of.
  I sent my dad an email. Hoping that it was the wisest choice I have ever made.This is what I wrote him.

I didn't have to tell anyone what was going on with me. I kept showing signs I was depressed. I was cutting myself. I was writing really agnoizing poetry. I was drawing really horrifying pictures of depressed people. I felt like no one seem to notice. I was mainly hiding out in my room. I cried every night. I had never healed completely from the pain. I was looking to just leave the world. I was wanting to. Something that really is messed up is to calm myself down I was imangining my own death. Different ways I could die. I was depressed because I felt like no one bothered to care about my emotions. I felt like everytime I tried to get my self my own help you disapproved. I felt like I was a dog for you to keep around for money. I felt like I couldn't keep living with you because of all the stress between Lisa and you. I felt like the reason you were so angry was becasue of me. I felt like I couldn't keep living around an aura so bloody mary red that it caused my own anger. There had been nights I had thoughts of suicide and tried to commit suicide. Now, I really don't think about death.

I am trying to change my life back around. I am learning to become a better Christian and I love going to church. I am learning to love God and be more of who I am. For once, I actually feel happy. I actually sleep better at night to.

I am not at all blaming my pain on you. I am not trying to hurt you at all in this email.

But, I will say on thing. I had got to a point, where I had felt like you didn't love me. At the end of my time living there with you, I had really believed it. Even now.

The reason why I don't want to talk to you, if because of what you told me. You said this to me "Get the f*** out. I never want to see you again." Wether you want to admit that you said that, it is all up to you. I also remembering hearing something about since we don't care about you and call you a fake and liar, why should you love us, when you believe that we don't love you. I am not totally accurate on that. But something similar was said to Lisa. There, now you know my feelings. For awhile, I need you to just leave me alone. I need my break away from you. Please, it's all I am asking.

I know I hurt you. I have hurt you for a long time. Just remember, I have been in pain for a very long to. Right now, I need to let myself learn to forgive, I need to heal myself, and mainly I need to teach myself how to be truely happy again. So until I am ready please leave me alone. That is all I ask for now.

Do know I love and that this is not to hurt you. It's for you to know the pain that I am in that was never acknowledge and that has opened up a black hole in my soul. I am sending you a couple of links to youtube music videos. Please pay attention to the lyrics and think about them. Some of these guys may not be your type but just listen to the son, pay attention to the lyrics, and please thinks about them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-lNBrZCJ9k

Tokio Hotel-Don't Jump

This song right here relates to the pain I was in and how bad I wish some one, I felt like was you, to be that one person to help me through it. Keep in mine that these are just MY FEELINGS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbCMlMn3Jw8

Sick Puppies-Maybe

This song kinda fits how I feel now and back than. I do feel like it fits you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElCIGdLx4UM

Ronnie Dunn- Bleed Red

This song is just to show you that we all have pains and we all need to forgive and love.

Thank you for reading and thank you for watching. This is not to hurt you! This is just my feelings. I need you to understand. I need you for once listen. I have heard you. But I feel like you haven't heard me.

Love you,

Your oldest

 

 

No reply to it yet and it has been 3 days. He has read the email. I just don't know what he will think. For now, I have been doing good. I get to see my cousins and family this coming weekend and get to see King Tut. I am really excited about it. I get to enjoy my old life for once with my family. Other than that I have a bible study thing to hurry up and finish before Lifegroups tonight. Well gotta go! Bye!

 

-Me(: